G is for Goat Simulator

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Goat Simulator is super janky. I hate it! The ideas as well as the execution thereof are both half-baked. If you’re looking for cool graphics, tight controls, accurate physics, or any semblance of story, look elsewhere. Goat Simulator gives you none of those.

— Adult me


Goat Simulator is super janky. I love it! It’s like GTA meets Tony Hawk but with Goats. Running over people and fences gets me points! I can blow stuff up if I headbutt it hard enough! Hahaha, I licked that car while doing a backflip! Goats are hilarious!

— 10 year old me

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A non-exhaustive list of ridiculous things I did as a goat:

  • Knocked over a fence
  • Jumped on a trampoline at the bottom of an empty pool
  • Got hit by a truck
  • Attempted headbutt revenge on said truck, only to be launched even farther across the map
  • Rode a water-less waterslide
  • Found and subsequently dominated a (presumably illegal) goat fighting ring

And that was just in the first half-hour!


A Goat Simulator haiku:

Blissfully cross eyed
Backflips on a trampoline
The goat becomes me

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